Summer Vacation was a blast and it’s exciting to be back to the blog! As promised, we have a new look and some other changes. Take some time to check it out. But before I start churning out posts about life lessons and all that jazz, I MUST catch you up.
As usual, I went to Atlanta to visit family and you know there are always shenanigans there. The highlight was a shower for my baby sister.
Before the trip, I was elated. I’m about to be a “Tee Tee (Auntie)” and just too stoked about all of the fun and responsibilities involved with that. I will be able to watch my nephew over the summer, take him to the zoo and teach him bad habits. Yes, I will be the one allowing that cute little kid to have ice cream for breakfast.
However, as I began to chat with my parents prior to the shower some things went awry.
The Robbery…
My family doesn’t see it this way, but I was robbed. Well, kinda sorta. Let me explain.
Not that I want to make this about me, but since people are selfish at their very core–it is.
My sister will give birth any minute now (literally she was due 9 days ago). We are the only children of my parents and she will be having the first grandchild. Like most families, we have general traditions, but to my knowledge there were no family heirlooms to pass down. That was until my sister gets knocked up. Mysteriously, a treasure trove of “heirlooms” now exist.
My sister sitting in the “stolen” chair
Up for grabs: the rocking chair that my mother received when she carried my sister, a child chair that was passed down from my Aunt Lillian that I didn’t know existed (THE DECEPTION!) and the ultimate diss–my favorite book, the Three Billy Goat Gruff. Dad read this to us as children–sound effects and all.
Apparently, my parents had planned to give these items to the one that had a baby first.This was revealed the week before the shower. If I would have known this, maybe I would have fertilized an egg or two. Seriously, that’s how robbed I felt.
You may feel this is just ridiculous, but you have to understand something. This is about a group of people involved in a web of deceit. Much like Jacob robbing Esau of his birthright with his mother in cahoots. It’s rumored that Iraq and Iran are the descendants from those two blood lines and we see what’s going on there.
Look at her as she innocently sits in that stolen chair.
A last-ditch effort to grab the goods was to adopt a baby from China. Yes, it was a serious consideration. My sister reminded me that it would take forever, but I had to think long and hard as she had a vested interest in my adoption going south. Two months is an unrealistic turn-around time to make that happen but I’m an eternal optimist. How does my baby sister ALWAYS outsmart me?
Now, that I’ve gotten that off my chest we can move on.
The Grandmas
Normally, my maternal grandma is providing her unsolicited comic relief. It usually involves her off-color comments about my weight gain or loss, deep conversations about Jesus and his intentions for everything and on rare occasions, conversations about penis.’
This time my maternal and paternal grandma were in town at the same time and it was a tag-team mission of epic proportions.
My paternal grandma brings her own special energy. She’s that grandma that will take all of her grandkids to the movies and bring her own popcorn, 3-liter sodas, cups and napkins. She is the one that will wait behind after the whole family has gone to a restaurant and skim the tip off the table. She has 8 children and has a funny life-lesson story for them all. Like the one where one of her sons got arrested for something stupid that he did as a young adult. He used his one phone call only to hear her say ” You know it’s past my bedtime, I told you not to do that anyway and you’ll just have to wait till tomorrow!” She’s THAT grandma.
A family friend playing the “Dirty Diaper” game.
Dirty Diapers
So, we are at the baby shower playing the dirty diaper game. A few diapers with a melted candy bar is passed around and you have to guess what brand is in each one–by any means necessary. The “poop” analysis actually became pretty serious and cut-throat. People with awesome palettes did some taste testing and distinguished between Baby Ruth, Snickers and Mr.Goodbar, guarding their answers like lotto tickets.
Paternal grandma flags me down. I walk over and she says “Bring me one of those diapers. I want to see what’s in it.” I’m looking at her like REALLY?!? She reminds me that she has a bad hip and she doesn’t feel like going to the table. Total guilt trip.
My dad and aunt doing some cut-throat poop-analysis
So, after the shower, she jumps on her scooter. Yes, the family decided to get her a scooter to ride around the facility due the hip issue. Bad idea. She raced that scooter like she was Dale Earnhardt on the Indy 500 (yes, swerving the curves on every handicap ramp). Literally, folks were jumping to safety. We couldn’t wait to get her in the car.
If That Wasn’t Enough…
The maternal grandma ended up going to the hospital before the shower due to some pains. After the shower, my sister and I decide to pay her a visit. Nice thing to do right. Sort of.
After she explained all her aches and pains, she starts out with the standard old lady questions. Then she got straight to the point. “So how is your boyfriend?”
I answered “Fine” with a secret eye-roll and a swallow. I knew what was coming next.
“So are you getting married?” I paused. “Grandma, we just started dating a few months ago.” She gave me the “don’t con a con-man” look and told me I didn’t answer her question.
Then they came–the barrage of statements and questions. “Do you really want to do that? I know you said y’all just started dating, but that doesn’t mean anything. You brought him down here last week just so we could all meet him? That’s not what it looks like to me. He seems really nice, but I don’t REALLY know him so we’ll see. Please tell me you’re not getting married AGAIN!” The rapid-fire questions and intense, Medusa-like stare paralyzed me.
She went on to remind me that I just got divorced (like I didn’t know that) and all this crap about why she didn’t get married again. I just sank in the seat. I can’t win with this chick.
The nurse came in with the save to change her IV. We didn’t stay too much longer.
Moving Forward!
I just wanted to start off with one good laugh before we got back to business. If you’re subscribed to my fan page, I’ll post some pics of my nephew whenever he decides to make his debut!
One Last Thing!
In the last post I alluded to an exciting project that I was working on. Click below to check out my new website for parents of teenagers and let me know what you think!
Until next time!
If you liked this post, you’ll love:
Covert Operations, A Broken Penis and Grandma
Birthday Cakes, Orange Jumpsuits and Grandma
Turning 40 and the Hilarity that Ensued
Holiday Workout Blues: Pet Peeves & Non-Negotiables
